Shift Gears: Create a NEW NORMAL in Non-Monogamy

Shift Gears:  Create a NEW NORMAL in Non-Monogamy

Is Your Life Created by Default Living?

When you shift gears, you make a change in your life to move in a new direction.  Our culture and society is so deeply ingrained with Monogamy, it is the “default life” most women live.  Sadly, a majority of women don’t know they have a CHOICE in their relationship configuration.  Monogamy is woven into every aspect of our lives.  It’s in our music, TV shows, ads, movies, and especially religion. 

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage?

Marriage was created as a legal contract to prove which child was a legal heir to property and taxes. It was NOT about love.  For many men, they also has mistresses, because it was accepted that men were allowed to be non-monogamous, and women were still considered property.  

As time passed, marriage became synonymous with romance, love and having your “one and only”.  Marriage vows included such phrases as “forsaking all others” and “for as long as we BOTH shall live”.  Damn… that means after you die, I can’t remarry… or have sex with anyone else EVER!  Some churches go a step better and say “Until death us do part”, so that releases me to marry again if you die.  

However, this creates an obligation to restrict your attention, emotions and sexual connections to only one person.  Obligation limits and restricts your ability to fully explore yourself, your sexuality, and your emotions.

As a result, many women (like myself) went down the road of Monogamy and Marriage out of default, yet deep inside we are not meant to restrict ourselves to only one person romantically or sexually.  You are stuck in Neutral, and just idling along. 

Nature vs. Nurture

I firmly believe, as do many others, that human beings are NOT meant to be Monogamous.  If you want to learn more about this, a great book to start with is Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan.

Our nature is to engage with and enjoy a variety of lovers and sexual partners.  This not only increases our gene pool, it allows us to expand ourselves within multiple relationships.  Our bodies are made to experience a high degree of sexual pleasure, as well as to procreate. 

Non-monogamy provides opportunities to create a life which increases our abundance, liberation and freedom in our emotional and sexual relationships, rather than stagnate in obligation, limitations and restrictions.  However, so many women find themselves denying their Nature.

Emotional Death by Default

When women live a life of obligation, limitation and restriction, they slowly die a painful emotional death.  There is a scene in Star Wars, where Luke and Han are going to be fed to the Sarlacc as punishment for betraying Jabba the Hut.  C3PO explains that “In it’s belly you will find a new definition of pain and suffering while you are slowly digested over… 1000 years”. (My geek sides has now been officially sanctioned!)  

As a matter of fact, that is how I felt living my life in Monogamy. It was living a painful existence of increasing pain and suffering as the years went by.

I felt isolated and alone in my pain and agony.  It was as if I was slowly suffocating, and at times an agonizing death which seemed to be never ending… just perpetually dying. 

During my divorce, I discovered Non-Monogamy, and a breath of new life was breathed into my being.  I have spent the past four years creating a new life, a NEW NORMAL.

I Decided to Shift Gears

Life today is a far cry from what it was just a few years ago because I decided to shift gears.  I am finally living life on MY TERMS, and I am the creator and designer of my experience here on earth.  No longer am I choosing to live a default life handed to me by society.

I am openly bisexual and non-monogamous.  I talk about this with most everyone.  There are still a few people whom I do not share this part of my life with directly.  However, if it were to come up in conversation, I would not shy away from it.

The relationship I am creating with my husband allows us to have other lovers, friends with benefits and even other romantic relationships.  When we are out in public, we openly talk about my husband’s girlfriend and share our Non-monogamous relationship to show others there are “normal, everyday” people who live a successful and happy non-monogamous life.

Shift Gears from Default to New Normal

Making a shift from Default to a New Normal is not something to enter into lightly.  Many people want to “try out” non-monogamy” and think it will be “Monogamy plus One”, or we will start by just having sex with other women.

There is so much more to making a shift from a deeply ingrained and entrenched belief system.  It is a Journey which each person needs to take as an individual, as well as the “entity of the couple”. 

Books and resources can help get you started, but the best thing is to connect with a community of women who are living the life, and have lived through the beginning stages of shifting, and continue to grow and thrive in creating their New Normal.

I was lucky to have found a community of people and create friendships with women who had gone before me, and showed me ways to shift.  Some of it I also learned along the way, through my life experiences.

This is why I created Bad Ass Red Dress Society.  BARDS is a place where women gather to create community, support each other, share important stories and lessons learned, as well as tap into information, trainings, support and guidance through webinars and coaching.

Join BARDS today, and begin your Journey towards creating your Authentic Life…Your NEW NORMAL.

Like us on Facebook at BARDSociety 

Are You a Woman With a Sexy Soul?  Learn how to Embrace YOUR SEXY Authentic Self!

Are You a Woman With a Sexy Soul?

You KNOW when you see a Woman with a Sexy Soul.  She just “oozes sex”.  She is confident, walks with a purpose and a flirt, has a perpetual little grin on her face, and exudes an energy of SEXY.

Recently, I was at a restaurant when in walked a woman wearing a T-shirt, jean crop pants and tennis shoes, yet she was a SEXY Soul.

The way she held her body, her head high, a slight smile, the sway in her hips and loads of confidence dripping from her just screamed SEXY Soul!  Its all about the ATTITUDE, not what you wear.

I’ve also had experiences where I see really beautiful women, showing off their gorgeous body, dressed to the nines, yet they are anything BUT Sexy.  Paradoxically, their attitude and energy says, I am insecure, guarded, and have low self-esteem about having a sexy soul.

A sexy body, does not equate to a Sexy Soul.

A Sexy Soul Knows her Authentic Self

Sexy is an attitude, a feeling, an energy about you.  Do you feel sexy inside, or has the sexy part of you been shamed and oppressed into oblivion?

Every woman has a Sexy Soul.  Unfortunately, many women has lost their sexy soul to the expectations of society and of “daily life”.  Especially if you are a mother.  Mothers are taught Not to be SEXY.  Yet it was SEX which made us mothers.

As a result, you slowly lose your sexual prowess, your drive for sexual exploration, and your pussy power which is the essence of womanhood. 

First, become acquainted, or re-acquainted with your Sexy Authentic Self.  That beautiful woman who is full of passion, desire, sexuality, and drive.   Develop your relationship with Your Sexy Authentic Self and really begin to KNOW who you are.   Connect with your Authentic Self to Create new pathways, which help you Thrive in your life. 

A Sexy Soul Loves her Authentic Self

Once you begin to know your Authentic Self, fall in love with her!  Yes, have a love affair with yourself.  You are the most important person in your life.  No one else spends 24 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of your life with you. 

Loving yourself means to take care of you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually.  Eat well, exercise and drink plenty of water.  Learn how your emotions are your guidance system, and how to move towards feeling better about anything and everything in your life.  Continue to grow and develop yourself.  Challenge your mind through reading books, podcasts, documentaries which help you grow, rather than to escape your daily life. Embrace the Laws of the Universe, and know we are all part of the larger energy which is the source of all things. 

Above all, dive into your sexuality.  Your body was made for pleasure, as well as procreation.  In fact, the very design of your sexual epicenter was created PURELY for orgasms.  Regrettably, too many women deny themselves the deepest pleasures of their bodies because THEY THEMSELVES don’t take the time to really know how to please themselves.

Loving yourself means pleasing yourself in all aspects of life.  As a result, when you love yourself sexually, you open the doors for others to love you sexually in the ways you most desire.

A Sexy Soul Accepts her Authentic Self

Once you know and love your Authentic Self, then you accept your Authentic Self for the creative, loving, passionate and sexual being you are.  In the same way you learn and apply new skills for a job, a hobby, a sport or craft, you grow in your process of developing a relationship with your Authentic Self.

In addition you give less attention to what other people think of you or what they want you to do or be.  You listen to your internal guidance system to light your path for creating your OWN LIFE, on YOUR TERMS.

There is nothing sexier than a woman who is living her life in the way SHE MOST DESIRES.  Deeply embrace your passions and your desires.  However, not just sexual passions and desires, but your passions and desires for all of LIFE. 

A Sexy Soul Projects her Authentic Self

In other words, this is a TOTAL Package.  Build your life intentionally around your passions, desires, and joy.  When you Know, Love and Accept your Sexy Authentic Self, you can’t help but PROJECT it out into the world. 

You walk with confidence, speak with passion, and act with love and kindness which wells up from the springs of your Inner Depths.  This is not something you can “fake”.  It’s something you feel deep inside and naturally flows from you

Shower yourself with passion, appreciation and joy every day.  It’s no one else’s job to do that.  Consequently, when you do this, you exude pure positive energy out into the world, and attract back to you incredible things and people which you desire and deserve.

Above all, love yourself Unconditionally.  You can never get things wrong, and you will never complete all the things you set out to do in life.  You are an ever expanding being.  The more you live, the more you become.  Love who you become along the way, each STEP of the way.

BARDS Helps you Become Your Sexy Soul

Connect with us on Facebook and Join Bad Ass Red Dress Society to receive in-depth information, webinars and connections to help you Connect, Create and Thrive in your Authentic Life.

BARDS serves women who are exploring their sexuality, and are living or interested in Non-Monogamous Lifestyles including swinging, polyamory, friends with benefits, ethical sluts, and more.

We speak openly and honestly about sexuality, relationships, passions and desires so you can create an intentional, passion-driven, and Authentic Life.

We are here to walk your Journey with you.  You are in Good Company.

BUST FEAR and Take Charge of Your Life

Are You Ready to BUST FEAR? 

Fear is just a set of thoughts you hold on to, which prevent you from moving forward in creating the life you truly desire.  Whether you want to BUST FEAR related to money, health issues, relationships, or trying new things, these belief systems are holding you back from your true Authentic Self and the greatness within.

Below are three ways to help you BUST FEAR, move forward to create your Authentic Life, honor your deepest desires, and take action to make them come true. 

Life is meant to be lived and loved.  If you are not fully living your Authentic Life, BARDS is here to help you shift your trajectory to INCREASE Abundance, Liberation and Freedom in your life.


I recently had a friend call me late one night… she was taking a new step in her Authentic Journey.  She needed a boost to put her fear aside so she could experience something new and wonderful. 

For many years, my friend had thoughts about having an “adult play party” experience.  This is a small party where people get together to enjoy recreational sex.  This party was at a hotel, and she was calling me a few doors down from the party. 

My first response was to make sure she was safe.  After determining her physical safety was in order, we started talking about the experience.

“I’m so nervous, yet I really want to do this.  I drove an hour to get here.” She told me.  I asked her what was holding her back.  “It’s something I’ve never done.  What if the people are weird?  What if I don’t find anyone attractive?  I’ve put this off for 5 years.  I know I want this.  I’m just needing to face my fears and push through.”  At this point, we talked for a few minutes more about her possible exit strategy, if needed, and I gave her the boost she needed.

I got a message from inside telling me it was strange but exciting… then silence.  I knew she decided to stay and allow herself to experience a new liberation and freedom she had desired for so long.

Later the next day I got the report…SUCCESS!  She had a really great time and found this was something she wanted to continue doing.  Her desire was stronger than her fear.


Similarly, talking about a situation or fear from a logical point of view can help bust it wide open.  Break down what the fear actually is, then work through the chain of events if you took this action.  Once you determine the ‘consequences’, the fear becomes demystified.  Then you can put the fear aside and take steps to move forward into your desires.

For example, let’s take the situation above, and follow a logical sequence of questions to BUST FEAR:

Q: What are you afraid of?

A:  Attending an adult play party

Q: What will happen if you attend?

A:  I may not have a good time. 

Q:  Then what?

A: I will feel awkward and possibly leave early

Q:  Then what?

A:  Then I will feel bad

Q:  Why?

A:  Because I didn’t have fun and other people saw me being awkward and nervous

Q:  What happens if other people see you are nervous and awkward?

A:  I feel self-conscious

Q:  What happens when you feel self-conscious?

A:  I don’t like myself and feel I am a bad person

So through this exercise we discovered the root of her fear was feeling like a bad person if something didn’t “go right” with this new and exciting experience.

Regrettably, how many times have you stopped yourself from trying something new because deep down you thought it would turn out badly and reflect on the core of who you are?  Using logic to break down a fear into the core component can help you then shift your thoughts to focus on your desire.


Presumably, you have lived enough life for you to know what you want, and know what you don’t.

However, the strong momentum of Society tells you to live a life focused on what you are ‘SUPPOSED’ to do, rather than on what works for YOU.

There is fear in change.  Fear in the ‘unknown’.  Fear in being ‘different’. 

As a child, you wanted to “fit into the crowd”.   You didn’t want to stand out.  So you followed along with came along.

Embracing you Authenticity can evoke a bit of fear itself.  Be that as it may, when you embrace and connect with your Authentic Self, she is a driving force to BUST FEAR.

Your Inner Soul is the pure positive essence of who you are.  She HAS NO FEAR.  She knows what you want, and how to lead you to it. 

Tapping into your Authenticity is the ultimate FEAR BUSTER.  My friends’ Authentic Self helped her get invited to the party, and led her to get in the car and drive an hour to the hotel.  Her Authenticity helped her through the door.  Finally, it helped her to engage and have an amazing experience.


Living or curious about an ECNM Lifestyle can keep you in the closet, living in fear of what other people will think, say or do.  This fear impacts all aspects of your life, whether you realize it or not.

As a result, you are not living an Authentic Life.

For this reason, BARDS helps you find your Authentic Self, and design an intentional life path which works for you. 

You can create a “New Normal” of living the life you most desire, and increase Abundance, Liberation and Freedom by connecting, creating and thriving with BARDS.

Start by checking out Kat’s 7 Day Video Challenge, Getting Unstuck and Moving Forward.

You are on a Journey.  We are here to walk your Journey with YOU, providing support, community, and guidance along the way.  Join us on Facebook at BARDSociety

You are in Good Company.

Check Your Box: Bi-Curious and Other Oddities of the New Sexual Revolution

Check Your Box: Bi-Curious and Other Oddities of the New Sexual Revolution

It used to be pretty easy to check your box.  You were “straight or gay”.  Then “straight, gay or lesbian”.  Add in Bisexual and Transgender and now we have LGBT.  Then the string of letters got longer, and longer, and longer.

For some, the “catch all” term is Queer.  Back in the 1980’s this term was a slur and used in a derogatory way.  Fortunately, today it is embraced and used with pride by those who choose not to “box themselves in”.

Nowadays, there are so many new “boxes” to check for gender, sexual orientation and relationship orientation.  Consequently, it’s hard to keep up with them all.  Many people are wanting to fit themselves into ever smaller definitions of sexual or relationship orientations, preferences, curiosities and descriptions. 

This is only helpful when you know what they all are.  Therefore, here is my attempt to put them all into one place so you can keep this as a “handy reference” the next time you need to check your box.

So let’s give this Queer Alphabet Soup a stir and see what we come up with!  I have categorized the labels to make it easier for reference.

Check Your Box: Gender

Cis:  Identifies with the gender assigned at birth

Trans:  Identifies with a gender different that assigned at birth

Non-binary / GenderQueer / GenderFluid:  Does not identify with a specific gender

Check Your Box: Sexual Orientation

Asexual:  not attracted to any gender, sexually.  May be attracted to any gender emotionally

Bi-curious/Exploring:  unsure of attraction to same gender, open to exploring (usually sexually at first)

Bisexual:  attracted emotionally and sexually to both male and female, usually cis-gendered

Demisexual: a person who ONLY experiences sexual attraction when they create a strong emotional connection with another (considered half-way between Asexual and Sexual)

Gay:  Men who are only attracted emotionally and sexually to other men

Heteroflexible:  attracted to same gender sexually, but not emotionally – usually situational or “in the moment”

Heterosexual:  attracted to the opposite gender emotionally and sexually

Homosexual:  attracted to the same gender emotionally and sexually

Lesbian:  Women who are only emotionally and sexually attracted to other women, only

Pansexual:  attracted to any gender

Queer:  Catch-all to indicate anything other than “non-heterosexual”, can also apply to interest in Kink/BDSM or ECNM Lifestyles

Questioning:  Unsure of and/or exploring their attraction to any gender and their gender identity

Check Your Box: Relationship Orientation

Monogamous:  two people, exclusive romantically/emotionally and sexually

ECNM:  Ethical and Consensual Non-Monogamy – includes the following:

Open Relationship: two people exclusive romantically/emotionally, open to sexual exploration either together or separately

Swinging: two people exclusive romantically/emotionally, connect with friends and others in the “community” sexually; recreational sex; may attend parties, clubs or vacations with other swingers

Polyamory: engaging in romantic/emotional relationships with more than one other person. May or may not include a sexual relationship.

Friends with Benefits: a non-romantic, sexual friendship

Check Your Box: Other Identifiers

Intersex: a physical condition whereupon a person’s genitals “don’t seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male.

Ethical Slut:  a person who has sexual encounters with multiple people either one time, occasionally or regularly.  Is upfront with people about their sexual behavior, STI testing and practices safer sex.

Allies:  people who do not identify within the “queer community” yet support the community to ensure it thrives.

2S:  Two-Spirit, a tradition in many Native American cultures which considers some people to have both male and female spirits

Who Am I and Who Are You?

Curious how to check your box?  Here is how I check mine.  Gender Orientation is cis-female.  Sexual Orientation is bisexual and Relationship Orientation is ECNM.  Incidentally, I choose not to limit my ECNM Orientation to just one of the areas listed. As a matter of fact, I embrace them ALL! 

Are you living your True Authentic Identity?

If you identify in a way which is not listed here, please share, so you can be celebrated and connected with in the way which feels best.

On the other hand,  perhaps you are questioning or not feeling like you are living your true authentic life.  I hope these definitions help you look deep inside yourself.  As a result, you discover who you really are.  And you determine the kind of person/s you desire to share your life with and what kind of relationship you choose to create.

Are YOU Ready to Come Out of the Box?

I live my Alternative Lifestyles openly and proudly.  This isn’t always easy.  Yet I made an intentional and deliberate decision to live Authentically.  I stand by my decision.

Living your Alternative Lifestyle openly may not be a viable choice for you at this time.  It wasn’t too long ago all LGBTQ+ people lived in the closet.   Still, for many it is where you live your Alternative Life.  Meanwhile, the main aspect to focus on is becoming grounded and connected with your Authentic Self.  This takes getting Unstuck and Moving Forward in creating a new mindset.

Ultimately, you become secure in who you are, you come out of closet.  You fully embrace your Authentic Self, which dramatically increases your Abundance, Liberation and Freedom.

Society continues to open up, and young people authentically embrace diversity.  And let me tell you from my experience with the “centennial generation” (or Gen Z), things are changing radically over the next 30-50 years. 

That is within my lifespan!  Presumably yours as well.

Focus on the day when you can check your box with full acceptance and be embraced for who you Authentically are!  In the meantime, keep creating your Alternative Lifestyle to the best of your abilities and ENJOY every moment of it.


BARDS is a division of ECNM Lifestyles Association.


I Want You So Bad it Hurts!  Shifting the Pain of Desire to the Joy of Desire

I Want You So Bad it Hurts!  Shifting the Pain of Desire to the Joy of Desire

Do you have a strong desire for someone?  A particular someone? 

Has your desire for this specific person or relationship turned from Joy and Excitement, to Pain and Suffering? 

Should your desires HURT? 

Do you really want this specific someone SO BAD it HURTS?

There seems to be a MYTH in Society which says your desires are hard to get.  That it takes lots of hard work, pain and suffering acquire them, hold on to them, and ultimately suffer the most when they go away.

Many women have learned to live with this “Pain of Desire”.  Whether you desire is to have a fling with a lover or a long term relationship.  There is pain in finding your object of desire. 

But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Pain Whispers at First

Relationships and connections with other human beings is a “need” of our human experience.  However, when we start to control this need by fixating on a specific person, or scenario, it can lead us down the road to pain.

For instance, if there is someone you are attracted to, and you are finding it difficult to connect with this person, your desire for them grows.  They are “hard to get” (remember our desires are difficult to achieve) so you want them more.  Yet it is not happening. 

Pretty soon, you are feeling the first inklings of the pain of your desire.

You’re Authentic Self whispers the desire to you through seeing happy couples at the mall, or your best friend announces she is getting married.  Another friend just started dating someone.  There are indications around you about your desire.  Yet you are not enjoying the experience yourself.

There is a small pang of pain in your heart, or your gut.  That fleeting physical feeling of desire unmet.  It is the absence of the desire which you are focused on. 

Your attachment to your desire grows.  You want it more, but not in a positive way. 

The Shift from Joy to Pain

Desires start out with the feeling of Joy.  You are excited and passionate.  You wake up with it on your mind, you begin to eat, sleep and breathe it.  It may become all-consuming and you are on cloud 9 for a time. 

Then something begins to happen.

The longer it takes for your desire to come to you, the less your joy becomes.  You begin to lose that feeling of exhilaration, elation and excitement. 

Your energy shifts from the joy of having it, to the pain of not having it.

Or you get the object of your desire, but soon it starts down a path which doesn’t match your hopes and dreams.

Once your energy shifts to feelings of not having what you desire, then you begin to doubt the desire, doubt the Universe, and most of all, doubt yourself.

Feelings of unworthiness creep in.  You begin to think maybe this desire is just “too much” for you to have.  It’s too big, too wonderful, and too awesome for the likes of you.  Or you don’t deserve to have everything you want.

The more you feel this doubt and unworthiness, the more you hold yourself apart from the desire.  However, you have now developed a strong attachment to this desire.  (Because again, it is hard to get)

You create a tug of war between wanting the desire greatly and feeling unworthy of having it.

Is it a Desire or a “Need”?

So now you are in the middle of this struggle.  Your desire is so strong, so deep and you want it so badly.  Yet you feel you can’t have it, shouldn’t have it, don’t deserve it, and it seems you will never have it.

Are you so attached to the desire it has become a “need”?

When you need something, it is an obligation.  A “have to”.   I have a “need” to eat every day.  If I don’t, eventually I will starve to death.  So, I eat.  I don’t want to die.

A true desire is a “want to”.  It is a CHOICE, not a REQUIREMENT.

Therefore, I can choose to see my desires as obligations – something I must have and can’t live without.  Or I can choose to see them as true desires, something I want, but don’t require to have for a happy healthy life.

While needs are not inherently negative, when you create a strong attachment to something or need it to be a certain way, then it can develop into something painful.

Attachment Creates Neediness

The amount of pain you feel is related to the level of attachment you feel towards your desire.  The greater the neediness, the greater the pain will you feel.

Will you choose to stay attached to the desire and make it a “have to”, something you can’t live without?

For example, I have an emotional need for a nesting partner, someone I share my life and grow old with.  As I am nearing 50, this need is becoming stronger.  My DESIRE, is for this person to be my current partner.

I used to be attached to the idea that this person HAD to be my current partner.  Two years ago I struggled greatly because I shifted the dynamics of our relationship.  I did this because the trajectory of our relationship and how it connected with his other partner no longer worked for me.

From my perspective, the relationship was heading down a road which created a NEED, rather than a DESIRE.

Yet, I couldn’t articulate this at the time.  I only knew the initial joy and excitement I once felt, was shifting.  My desire was turning into pain.

Deciding to Let Go

We struggled with this new trajectory.  We tried to talk things out.  We read books.  We talked some more.  It seemed we were both stuck in a place of pain, and couldn’t move out of it.  Our lives are very busy, and it was taking an enormous amount of time, effort, energy and focus to deal with this issue.  It was also quickly sucking the rest of the joy out of our relationship.  We each clung tightly to the attachments we had about what we wanted the relationship to be.  And they didn’t seem to agree.

So we did the only thing left to do.  We let go. 

Not of the relationship, nor our love.  We let go of the struggle to control our attachments to the relationship.  The decision was to put the issue “up on the shelf”, and come back to it at a later time. 

We refocused our time, effort, energy and love back into one another, and started to rebuild the joy and passion which brought us together in the first place.

It was in the process of letting go, which allowed our desire to re-emerge as a “want to”.

For us, the act of letting go, actually brought us closer together.

The Shift from Pain to Joy

It can be a scary thing to let go.  You are allowing things to be what they are, instead of “man-handling” people or situations to be what you think they should be, or even what you think you want them to be.

One of my favorite quotes is by Joseph Campbell:  “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us”.

As you let go of your attachments, you begin to feel a sense of relief.  It feels like an enormous weight is lifted from your shoulders.  You start to feel free. 

The Pain of Desire diminishes.

The Joy of Desire grows.

Letting go is Trusting…

Trusting the Universe to open up the JOY of your DESIRES. 


To learn more about attachment, check out The Five Levels of Attachment by Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr.  BARDS will be doing a book study of this small but impactful book some time in the near future.

Find out more about Bad Ass Red Dress Society here


No Pain, No Gain? How to Soften the Blow of Painful Situations

No Pain, No Gain

You’ve heard the phrase, No Pain, No Gain.  And while what you call “pain” is a part of your human experience, how much it “hurts” and how you decide to use the pain is determined by your mindset.

Haven’t you seen people who have gone through extraordinary circumstances of physical or mental pain and not just survived, but thrived?  There are lots of stories and movies about such feats of “super humanness”.

What it comes down to, is mindset.  No Pain No Gain can be seen as a positive.

It’s about making a choice.  A choice to know they would experience pain.  They embraced the pain knowing it would lead them to something desired.

Experiencing pain is a way for your Authentic Self to help you determine what it is you DESIRE to have in your life.  Sometimes the way you choose what you want, is by knowing what you don’t want. 

Most people don’t want to experience pain, yet it helps you sort through your life as you Create Your Authentic Journey.

Mind Over Matter

This is another well used phrase which many people say, but really don’t know how to put into practice.  Your mind is truly incredible. You can create amazing things, climb mountains and soar to great heights with your mind-power.

However, many women have not been taught how to maximize their mind.  You were taught to “go along with what comes along”, rather than to create your own life.

Harnessing the power of your mind takes practice, just like any new task you learn. 

The three major components to become aware of are your thoughts, your emotions, and your words.  These three things make up your internal guidance system.  

When you understand how they work together, they can take you places you only dreamed of.  They can even change the way you think, feel and speak about Pain.

Thoughts Can Be Trained

Thoughts are the first part of your guidance system.

You have been trained to think about pain as something to fear, to avoid or to be angry about.  

How many movies, songs, books, and real life people talk about pain as a BAD THING?

When dealing with something painful, like a break up, you perceive the situation as “negative” and therefore experience PAIN… A lot of pain.  This is your guidance system saying you are “out of harmony” with your Authentic Self.

But what if you shifted your thinking to see the GOOD which comes out of the situation?  Your guidance system wants you to feel good.  The phrase is: No Pain, No Gain.

Some athletes are taught to EXPECT PAIN in their training and performance.  For those who are taught to expect pain, they are ready for when it comes.  They work through it and are able to keep their performance level high.

In contrast, athletes who are not taught to expect and work through pain are caught off guard when it comes.  They struggle to deal with the pain.  This impacts their performance by either slowing them down or causing them to stop altogether.

Training your mind to think positively about pain will benefit you most if you can do it BEFORE you are in the throes of PAIN.  But even if you are in the middle of a painful situation, you can begin to shift your thoughts to become more positive.

Emotions Follow Your Thoughts

Sometimes it feels as if your thoughts and your emotions are simultaneous.  As a matter of fact, they are so closely linked together they feel almost as one occurrence.  

When you think something negative, your emotions are right there to boost that thought into high gear with feelings which manifest both in your mind and your body. 

Women in particular are taught that your emotions are the responsibility of someone else.  How often do you say, “He makes me feel happy” or “She makes me so mad”.   You praise or blame others for how you feel.

By doing this, you give others the power to dictate how you feel.  You give up your ability to manage your feelings, and therefore lose part of your guidance system. 

In addition, when feeling pain from a negative thought perspective, you focus outside yourself.   As a result, this disconnects you from your Authentic Self.

It took me a long time to realize this.  Once I did, I deeply sensed my power and responsibility to take care of myself.  The word “Responsible” means you are “Response-Able”.  You can choose your response. 

Consequently, I stopped blaming others for my feelings which freed me from needing outside validation and acceptance.  Furthermore, I freed others from the burden of defining and molding me for their purposes.

Once I took responsibility for my pain, I could make the choice for how I managed it.  I was able to let go of my pain and no longer blame others for how I experienced it.

Words Speak Volumes

How you speak about something is the outward expression of your thoughts and your feelings. 

Yet, sometimes our words have become so ingrained to our experience, we continue to speak them, even as our thoughts and emotions are changing.

For this reason, as you are making your mind shifts to viewing pain as something positive, you may still hear yourself making negative comments about something painful.

Part of your Journey is to become aware of your words.  Once you become aware, then you can begin to shift.

I find myself re-phrasing things all the time.  Speaking in the “negative” has become the norm in society.

Many of my friends speak in the “negative” about what they don’t want, or how someone hurt them.  They complain about a great many things which are out of their control.

Arguably, your words are very powerful.  Thoughts and Emotions gather momentum within you and your words transmit these out into the world. 

Words keep you stuck in the negative loop with pain as you continue to recount the situation which “caused” the pain.  Talking about it over and over cements the pain into your experience.

Is this what you really want?  Does it feel good to say these words?  Are you tired of feeling bad?

Make a Decision

Your thoughts, emotions and words are yours, and yours alone.

The power is within YOU.  Take responsibility for yourself, and NO ONE ELSE.

Own your pain.  Decide how it will benefit you.  What will you learn from it?  How will you do things differently next time? 

Embrace Pain as a part of your life experience.  Know it will come.  Be prepared to work through it. 

Love it.  Yes, love your pain.  Accept it as a friend.  A friend who is not afraid to be real with you. 

The phrase No Pain, No Gain mean you get to choose both how you experience the pain, and what you gain from it.

Ultimately, you have a choice.

You ALWAYS have a choice.

To learn more about ways you can grow and develop with BARDS, click here to view our services

What is an Alternative Lifestyle, How Do I Know If I Have One and Don’t You Get Jealous?

What is an Alternative Lifestyle, How Do I Know If I Have One and Don’t You Get Jealous?


These are three of the biggest questions women ask me when they hear terms like Polyamory, Swinging or Open Relationship.  

Defining an Alternative Lifestyle can be a little tricky as people use Labels to suit their own needs most of the time.  

Please feel free to comment or share your thoughts about how you define an Alternative Lifestyle, or if you have questions about Open Relationships, Swinging or anything else outside the “Heterosexual Monogamous” norms of society in our Ask Kat section.

What is an Alternative Lifestyle?

BARDSociety defines Alternative Lifestyle as one which is not currently accepted or recognized by Mainstream Society.

These mainly fall under the category of ECNM – Ethical and Consensual Non Monogamous Lifestyles.  ECNM includes Polyamory, Open Relationships, Swinging, Friends with Benefits, and Sexually Liberated Women. (Sluts will be another topic soon).

According to a recent study, 21% of couples in the United States either occasionally or regularly participate in a Non-monogamous Lifestyle.  That’s 1 in 5 couples.

Some couples and singles connect either with just one form of Non-Monogamy, or sometimes they embrace all forms of Non-monogamy.

Now, unfortunately, CHEATING is also a form of Non-Monogamy, but it is not Ethical or Consensual. 

What separates these Lifestyle Choices from Cheating, is openness, honesty and respect in communication, Self-Awareness and honoring other people’s agency (the ability to choose for themselves).

How Do I Know If I Have One?

According to the Urban Dictionary, Monogamy is: The custom or condition of having only one mate in an intimate relationship, of being dedicated to a single partner.

If you identified with any of the above descriptions, or you have thoughts about or are curious about learning more about these lifestyles… then you Have or are Exploring an Alternative Lifestyle.

For instance, you and your partner have sex with other people as a couple.  These are people you get together with and have “recreational sex” with.  You might see each other occasionally or regularly.  

This is called Swinging, Wife Swapping, or having an Open Relationship.  These activities are of a physical nature only.  At the end of the day, you and your partner go home together, just the two of you.

Many people who Swing, consider themselves “Monogamous”.   They think Monogamy is about emotions.  And they are only connected with one person Emotionally and Romantically. 

However, if you are not exclusive with your one mate “intimately” (which is defined both emotionally and sexually) then you are Non Monogamous.

On the other hand, Polyamory is an agreement to have other people as part your “intimate world”.  This includes dating or partnering individually or together with the same person.  Poly meaning Many, Amory meaning Love = Many Loves.

There are countless ways to “configure” a Polyamorous relationship.  The idea I could create relationships which worked for me drew me to Polyamory.

Don’t You Get Jealous?

“I am curious about Alternative Lifestyles… It’s hard to imagine how they work.  Don’t people get Jealous?”

Interestingly, this is the first thing people ask about when the topic of having multiple partners is broached.

First, jealousy is a natural human emotion.  We all feel it to some degree or another. 

Next, how you deal with jealousy has to do with your perspective, your self-awareness and feelings of self-worth.

Jealousy is not about someone else.  It is about YOU

When someone “triggers” your jealousy, they activate your insecurities, feelings of unworthiness, and fears of losing someone you love.

A key component to a successful “Alternative Lifestyle” is learning how to recognize and work through jealousy.  

As a result, your life will increase in Abundance, Liberation and Freedom.

How Do I Take the Next step?

Seek out information, read books and connect with people who are living Alternative Lifestyles.  Finding community helps you to grow.  Whether you currently live the Lifestyle or beginning your exploration, Bad Ass Red Dress Society is here to walk your Journey with you.

Click here to join our Email List, and receive more blogs and information.  You receive updates about new products and services Bad Ass Red Dress Society is creating for you. 

For subscribing you will receive our FREE e-Book: 5 Tips to Thriving in a Mainstream World WITHOUT Losing Your Authentic Self.  You also get some great offers on membership and products.

We look forward to connecting with you.

green eggs

Would You Try Green Eggs and Ham Outside the Box? Exploring Alternative Lifestyles

Try Green Eggs and Ham outside the box… You just might like them.

In his brilliant book, Green Eggs and Ham, Dr. Seuss helps children explore the idea of trying something new.  The character Sam promotes a very strange and foreign food to his friend. 

He connects it with something familiar to encourage the sampling.

Sam is very persistent, and continues to encourage his friend to “Try it, try it, you will see…”

Many times in life you are presented with new things.  It could be food, clothing or hair styles, products, or ideas.

If these things are presented “too far outside the box” then you will most likely reject it, without sampling or trying it first. 

Music is like this for me.  When the band Cake came on the scene with their song “The Distance” back in the late 90’s…I hated it.  (For my younger followers who may not be familiar with this band I encourage you to check them out… and give them a try, won’t you?)

Strangely enough, the more I listened, the more it grew on me.  Cake soon became one of my favorite groups.

Perhaps the idea of an Open Relationship is like that for you.  It’s something you’ve heard about, and you might even know someone who is “into that”. 

But you think it’s not for you… even though you haven’t really explored even the idea of it.

You reject it because it seems so far outside your “box” or your comfort zone.  Yet outside the box is where the Magic happens.

How often do you think about a decision to live a Magical Life?  To live a life where you can BE, DO and HAVE everything you desire?

Oh, wait… that’s being selfish.  How does that saying go…You can’t have your cake and eat it too? 

Well, why the hell not?!?  If I have cake then I want to eat it! (or listen to it at least).

Society Says You Live a Life of EITHER/OR Instead of BOTH/AND.

Society was to live a confined life inside the box of accepted norms and expectations.  Here you are safe.  You don’t experience discomfort from growing, learning or embracing the NEW.  This is especially true when it comes to romantic relationships.

You can have Either this person to love, or that person…but you can’t have both. 

The Princess must choose between Prince Charming and the Blacksmith.  Both are good men.  However, they offer her different things.  Society says she must choose.  WHY?

On the other hand, a Bi-Princess meets Prince Charming and Lady Beautiful at the same time…and must choose.  Again, WHY?

When you decide you want to grow in new ways, explore a new idea, or experience something radical for the first time, you will feel both exhilaration and terrified.

Your Heart will be crying out YES while your Brain is shouting NO.  You will feel torn in two.  Stay Small (where your greatest momentum is) or Grow Big (your desires for expansion).

When faced with shifting your paradigm from EITHER/OR to BOTH/AND, it takes time and energy to see the world in a new way. It is uncomfortable at best and downright scary at worst.

Exploring the idea of an Open Relationship or Polyamory will definitely take you out of your comfort zone. 

Decide to Embrace the Magic and try the Green Eggs and Ham

Universal Law of Attraction plays a part in your life.  What you give your attention to grows bigger, stronger and you receive more of it. 

Therefore, when you focus on living your life following Society’s rules and expectations, your Society-based life grows bigger and fixed in that model.

However, if you find this model doesn’t feel right, you begin to feel the strain in your Inner Soul.  Your Authentic Self wants to expand, to grow beyond the box you placed her in. 

You become dissatisfied, yet feel stuck and obligated to continue the path you started.  This was the life I had… until I opened myself to the Magic.

It is this obligation and stuck feeling which pushes the Magic away.  It takes persistence and decisiveness to shift.  By making a decision, you take all other options off the table. 

Making the decision to be my true and Authentic Self has been life-altering .  I am a trailblazer.  My calling is to be open, out, and vocal about Alternative Lifestyles.  It is my passion.  It is WHO I AM.

Perhaps you are not yet at this level.  However, you can make a decision to be or become open minded.

Learn about various lifestyles and understand how they work.  Meet others who are living different lifestyles to hear their stories, ask questions and connect with them.

Are you ready to embrace the Magic of your Authentic Journey?

Get started by clicking here to watch my 7 Day Challenge Getting Unstuck and Moving Forward

Try the Green Eggs and Ham.  You might just like it.


Are You Scared Of The Dreaded V Word? (Vulnerable, not Vagina)

Are you scared of being Vulnerable?

No, the Dreaded V Word is not VAGINA (which IMHO is a pretty awful word… so clinical and cold… not at all representative of a woman’s Powerful Pussy… but that’s another blog)


People talk a lot about being vulnerable, but very few actually do it. 

Mostly it is talked about in the context of relationships – talking openly and honestly with someone else.

It takes strong confidence and communication skills to not be scared about being vulnerable.  Women tend to have better communication skills, but are not taught skills in self-confidence … and most men have confidence, but don’t have communication skills.  This makes for some messy encounters, especially when it comes to sensitive subjects.

As a woman, you were shut down from an early age; implicitly and explicitly taught not to have confidence, and not to speak up about issues of sex, money, or emotions.

You bury these things deep inside you so you don’t have to face them, either with yourself or with someone else.

So how can you possibly open up and be vulnerable with someone else, if you can’t be open and honest within your own Inner Soul?

Are you even aware you have a relationship with yourself? 

Do you deeply and passionately love yourself? 

Do you honestly think about yourself when you make decisions or choices, or do you constantly put others first?

Have you neglected the most important relationship of all…the one with yourself? 

Embrace being Vulnerable!

When I was young, I was open and embracing of my sexual self.  I was a slut, I enjoyed sex, and was on a pathway of exploring a whole world of fun, kinky, open-minded individuals and possibilities.  Then I met my now Ex-husband. 

I “fell in love” and thus began my slow, then rapid decline into monogamy, abuse and depression.  I thought that I couldn’t be that free-spirited young girl anymore, and had to “settle” for a “traditional” life.

By hiding my vulnerability, and with no confidence to stand up for who I really was, I fell into a life which was less than Authentic. 

Through my experience of my marriage, I now have clarity on who I really am, what kind of life I desire, and I have confidence and communication skills to be vulnerable in sharing my true Authentic Self.

I spent 25 years of my life living an In-Authentic life, a life I thought I was “supposed” to live, and was miserable for it.  I now have appreciation for that part of my life.  It was my journey to experience this.

Are you ready to make your shift?  Need some help?

 Watch my 7 Day Challenge Getting Unstuck and Moving Forward 

Start building a vulnerable relationship with yourself…right now!

Are you willing to lower your own defenses to look deep into your Inner Soul, and be delighted by who you find, even if it feels a little scary?

Can you embrace the beautifully kinky, sexual, explorative, curious and open-minded woman who resides inside you?

Will you allow her to come out, and begin to take steps forward towards blending her into your existing life?

When you are vulnerable with yourself, you open up to new possibilities, creativity and innovative thoughts. 

It is your Authentic Self who possesses all of these qualities, and many more.  She is full of amazing power.  You just need to tap into Her.

Turning inward, and focusing on yourself is the first step in creating the Authentic You, and moving you forward on your Journey towards designing a life of Abundance Liberation and Freedom.

There is no growth in staying tied to your comfort zone.  The Magic happens when you open the door and step out into the unknown. 

Picture the scene in The Wizard of Oz when the house lands in Oz, and Dorothy opens the door to a world of Technicolor…Magic!

I know being VULNERABLE IS SCARY… Bad Ass Red Dress Society is a SAFE place for you.

If you live in Ventura County California, you are invited to join Bad Ass Red Dress Ventura County Meetup.  

Click Here for more information.

Take the first step… if you don’t, you will continue to live your life on your current path… The choice is yours. 

I am here to walk your Journey with you… to create the Technicolor Life of your Dreams. 

Let’s walk together.  You are in Good Company.

Are You Headed in the Right Direction?

When you are young, you think you know what you want out of life – yet how much of what “YOU” want is really what other people have told you to want – things like a secure job working for someone else, getting married and having a monogamous life, having children, a big house in a fancy neighborhood, a secure retirement, someone to grow old with?

Is this really the direction YOU WANT your life to go in?  If so, then great!!

But IF NOT, and you follow the road which leads you to these places, you may find yourself in a place where you are more and more unhappy, depressed, unfulfilled, and very much lacking in joy, pleasure and satisfaction.

I went down that road when I was young.  I really didn’t know any better because so much of my upbringing was centered on church, and “living a good life”, even though my Authentic Self was expressing herself in my ECNM and Bisexual engagement with my boyfriend and “girl-friend” in high school.  I thought because I fell in love with someone, that I then had to give up all of myself for that person.

It was a long, and progressively unhappy road.   You may feel this is the road you are on too…

There is GOOD NEWS!  You can change the road you are on!  Yes, you are in the driver’s seat of your life, and you can decide to change course.

It doesn’t come all at once.  You will find each day you are turning a little bit more towards the direction you want to go in and soon you will find your direction has shifted.

Here at Bad Ass Red Dress Society, we help you to find and create your Authentic Self, and to design an intentional life increasing your Abundance Liberation and Freedom.  This is a Journey, a lifelong Journey in which you are constantly learning, growing and expanding yourself through your thoughts, actions, words, and connections with others.

If you’re ready to make a shift in your direction or you’re not sure yet about what direction you want to take, but know you don’t want to stay on the road you’re currently on, then subscribe to my email list.  It’s free, and you will receive a copy of my guide Five Steps to a Bad Ass Red Dress You.

This guide provides an overview of the steps you will take to change your direction and create a life you can’t wait to wake up to everyday!

If you’ve already subscribed, but want to know more, feel free to email me at

More products and connections are coming your way soon.

I’m here to help you shift directions in your Journey, and create the Authentic You.  You are in Good Company.

Happy Musings.